Anna's Retired

Your health IS your wealth

2007-09-05T18:08:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoPb_KS39u8

Pre-website WITH PICTURES

2007-08-31T06:50:00.000-05:00

One of our trainers graciously put this together for us while we wait for our website design to be completed and despite the world’s worst picture of me-- I love it so much I wanted to share it anyway!! We love what we do and we just want to show it off!!!

More pictures coming daily…
www.myspace.com/ptrevolution

Thanks, Julie, Kris, and Melissa

2007-08-31T06:49:00.000-05:00

Thanks ladies! I was excited to see your comments, thanks for stopping by.

:)

Scary Post

2007-08-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

This is a scary post for many reasons. 1. I should be cleaning the middle bedroom out for dad and chandler to sleep in tonight and I am procrastinating, 2. I've embarked on a quite a new perspective this week, and 3, I've had 2 cups of starbucks full caff coffee. Oh, and 4. I have no goal for this post. SCARY.

So I am where I am.

Business is good, I have very good feelings about it and some cool plans for my team next week. Our first month was great. I measure our success based on our 3 objectives as a team--Number one, we are changing lives through fitness. That has always been my goal. Number 2, we did make some money...well, let me reword that: We cleared all operating expenses our first month. And three, we are having fun. It is getting more fun each week, but this one we could work on. The last 2 weeks we've has some awesome energy in there. Two clients came to me and used those exact words, and said it was a very positive place to be. That is a dream come true for me. I also have 2 trainers who are dying to join our team and they are qualified, we just need to discuss them at our meeting next week. It is shaping up to be exactly how I dreamed it would be. Long way to go but I see it unfolding.

Life is good, we are totally extended financially with my income and our savings having been invested in the gym and I have lots of debt now (I was debt free before) but I just look at it like assets. The fact that it is not conusmption debt, rather investment in actual things makes it an asset in my mind so I fret less. The balance in the check book makes me nuts tho, I like lots of cushion and its a concrete floor at the moment.

Ellen is perfect, communicative, growing, thriving, adorable, etc.

Mike is the same. He is a great help mate, husband, and all the things I ever wanted. I adore him more every day...

And then that leaves fitness. So I lost my mojo and I was fine with it. It is nice when you quit working against yourself and just admit...hey, I am doing what I am willing to do, so it makes sense to just accept the result. You get what you give. The problem is that has resulted in some lost fitness and a weight gain and I miss my old body. So I am so bored with the whole rally the troops! yawn. make a plan! did somebody say something? commit and set daily goals to reach the ultimate goal! snore. I do it all day long, I've dont it a million times for myself. So I kept thinking what direction could I go? What would make me really takes these steps I am so bored with so I could actually not be on a weight loss journey for a minute??!! So I got frustrated with Mike, he did it for 3 days for aboubt 2 weeks and it was great, the accountability meant something to me, I've asked a friend and considered asking one of the guys at work, and then it dawned on me. Hey, nobody can do this for you but you. So back to you, hey, you get what you give and you do exactly what you are willing to do. We all do. So then I finally put in the Joyce Meyer CD that LeAnn loaned me about confident women. And it was all about how if you are doing something and it sees like you just 'can't' then maybe you are not ready yet. You will be enabled to do what it is you seek when you are ready. The struggle you are currently in serves you or someone else somehow, so work on your strengths and do your best and rest assured that when you are ready, the other things will come.Now THAT is some food for thought. Then right after that, there is a big old part about how if you are trying to accomplish somethng to impress others then you are doomed. And that hit home. I just did a big exercise with one of my clients about how every one of her reasons for doing this was rooted in what others thought and how others percieved her. She has to do it for her or it ain't getting done. I locked her in my office after her workout and made her write an essay instead of do her cardio. So that is a common theme and I am heeding the message. That reminded me to do this for me, stop fretting and just realize I can do it and I will. It's serving it's purpose. I relate and help my clients on a different level (so they tell me) and its all rooted in my ability to relate to them from having this ongoing struggle. It is so simple, when I REEEAAALLLLLY want it for me, I will do it. No struggling, no whining. I'll just do it. It just boils down to wanting it for yourself badly enough.

I kind of started finding my mojo again, Mike and I did a "duathlon" yesterday where we biked 5 miles including this quarter mile hill from hell and then ran 2 and half in a ravine that is either going up or coming down... Needless to say i slept good last night and it felt so good to have a good hard workout under my belt.

OK, middle bedroom is calling. I better hustle.

Knock on Wood

2007-08-16T11:11:00.001-05:00

Here are some updated pics of Revolution and one of Ellen.

I have just completed everythng on my list. FOR THE WEEK. I feel like I just moved to a forgeign country. And I like it here!

Coming Along

2007-06-17T10:04:00.000-05:00

I am so not retired anymore!!!!!

2007-06-15T13:34:00.000-05:00

Retarded maybe, but not retired.

I am about the be the owner of a real live personal training studio (for lack of a better term). And stay at home Mom. Lucky Ellen. We should open July 1. It will not be pretty but I am doing it.

Here is a shot of the front and one of my currently very favorite people, Ed. he is the lead trainer and my co-conspirator, partner in crime, etc. without him, I would have never kept going. Great supporter and motivator. Then below is what it looked like bwfore I started with it.

Smith Cousin's Night at the Smiths

2007-06-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

My Grandma can beat up yur grandma~!

2007-06-15T13:16:00.000-05:00

Vote

2007-05-17T12:32:00.000-05:00

Anyone have a preference?

Hair are you doing today???

2007-05-15T12:44:00.000-05:00

I really wish this was zoomed in closer. We could not bring ourselves to brush it, it was just too funny. This is larger than her typical post-nap hair, so we had to take a picture. We think it comes from pears and brocolli...it must promote big hair. That is what she eats these days...mostly. She is saying ball, bye, Mama, Dada, ashes (from ring around the rosie) and baba is either apple or banana I can't tell.

Speaking of pictures, we just returned from her end of the year party at school. Her teachers made her a scrap book of her year and it was such a treat to see her back when she first started, the things she was doing, and the toys and kids she hangs with and likes. I love the folks there and that program is amazing. What a blessing.

We also planted the garden. We have corn. TWO ROWS of CORN!! That just kills me kind of. I like to tell Mike (since he prepped and planted the two rows of said corn) what is going on with his "corn rows."

"Your corn rows are looking good today"

"You need to water your corn rows"

"I think a bird got in your corn rows"

And every time, I think of hair, not vegetables.

SO, if we get big ole stalks of corn here in Lawrenceville, I will be very tempted to see if the newspaper will come do a story. It almost feels like it's illegal as if we have chickens or something. Corn makes me think of my grandparents, and my great aunts and their huge fields of corn. Kind of makes me feel like a farmer, not a gardener.

And, we have SEVEN tomato plants. SEVEN. A row of limas and a row of green beans, squash, zukes, and blueberries. OH! And canteloupe. IF none if it comes up (last year was slim) I'll be so sad! I am expecting a harvest!

Other than that we have a few things going on, but the biggest thing around here lately is Ellen's hair.

The bug has a bug

2007-04-21T18:22:00.000-05:00

Ellen has her first bug. Nothing is staying down bless her heart. I think we are almost over it ( I say "we" because when a toddler throws up, its a team effort). Here she is on the mend today.

Did I say Bless her heart?

We also got totally pranked by some goofball at Dominoes Pizza. I get a call from "Tommy Saint" at Dominoes Thursday and we've won 200 bucks in free pizza in their weekly drawing. I am like Thanks Tommy, but we have not ordered pizza from you guys in at least 2 years, how in the world did you get my name and address? He smoothed it over and gave me the info and so tonight we call to order 3 different pizzas ( all those ones you want to order but are afraid you'll hate) and voila, no Tommy Saints no 200 bucks of free pizza. I dont know what to think of it, but I was not that fun to prank, I was in a hurry and not very excited so that is good...now that I know it was a hoax!!!

This one is for EMMA ROSE PULLIAM

2007-04-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures just for you so you will know what I have been up to.

I got a big new ball today so that has been fun as long as Bella doesn't pop it. She thinks it is for her!

I have also learned to sweep and mop and I am getting pretty good at it.

Last but not least I found Mom's lipstick! I think a lighter shade might suit me better. This one makes me look like I lost a prize fight.

That is all. See you soon Emma!

Love,

Ellen Rose

We had SPECIAL VISITORS

2007-04-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

It is not every dang day that your relative who lives in CHINA comes to visit you, and brings the newest member of the family with them. What a huge huge huge honor. Mike's Aunt Mary, Aunt Jan and her kids, Jack and Abby came and had dinner and stayed the night last night. THANKS YOU GUYS!! Hope to see you again before Jan goes to AFRICA.

Pure Perspective

2007-04-05T14:54:00.000-05:00

I read a great short article today about motivation versus inspiration, and it made a lot of sense to me. I run and lift and work and prepare food ahead and read and fight and track and talk and keep on keepin on because I WILL hold my grandchildren one day. I don't care if its easier for others. I don’t care that I have been fighting this as long as I can remember and fighting it for 6 years since I got semi-educated about what I was up against. And I get frustrated with others for being so uninspired and half the time unmotivated, but the real reason is that I was once them and while I am shaking them and screaming in their face to WAKE UP! You are wasting every second you sit and make excuses! NO ONE HAS IT EASIER AND NO ON IS GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU!! What I am really doing is traveling back in time and screaming at me. Did I really think what I was doing was going to get me what I wanted?? Did I really live like I would not see tomorrow? Why did I spend so much time worrying about what did not matter??!! That is a shameful waste and I get furious at this type of crap. I obsess over having a homey looking house when what matters is that it FUNCTIONS like a home and we make memories and make sure the important things are right, not that we have a home that LOOKS like the home and waste time making sure the accessories are lined up correctly. Its odd how common it is to talk about putting the important things first and then consistently acting in the exact opposite direction every single day, day in day out. And I think everyone needs to be jerked up like I was so that when their eyes open in the morning the first thing they hear in their head is THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!! Thank you for this day, these people in this house, this opportunity to build something awesome. And the last thing they think at night is the same. Because it can GO. In an instant. There is this huge life to be lived but it all happens in your head. Not in an accumulation of things or money or goals achieved. It's pure perspective.

For once in my life, I have no doubt, not one iota of doubt that I will make the most of and feel better with every day I live. I no longer doubt I will have the goals I desire because I finally established that they are what I really want and that my actions are mine and so are my results. Fitness is a great metaphor for life because it teaches you that you can make excuses all day and they can be valid but when it comes to achieving a goal…it is truly up to me. My circumstances will always be there, my limitations will always be there. But it is up to me if I let that stop me.

What I really think about is how I can transfer all this to Ellen. How she can learn earlier that it is all up to her. Instead of that others are just destined to have the things she wants because for some reason, she just can’t. I never believed that the things we say to ourselves really make who we are. But I was the classic “what is wrong with me, why can’t I achieve this goal?” person. And until I QUIT that, BANISHED that question and replaced it with “ What can I commit to doing that will help me reach my goal?” and that question only, I was stuck. It is amazing. I hear all the time that those who are “on program” are just not getting results. And I know how they feel. However, as politically incorrect as it is, I will not handicap them by telling them anything but the truth. The program only works if you work the program. So that little couple of things you don’t do that you’ve decided don’t matter are actually the very things that disappoint you week after week. And week after week when you ask yourself the wrong question, its no wonder people are getting the wrong answers. They just reflexively answer the question, provide themselves all kinds of excuses and then start looking everywhere but the mirror for the reason they have not achieved their own goal!!

Not only do I believe that poor health habits killed my Mom, I believe she was plagued by a negative self talk habit that I inherited. So if I don’t actively replace those habits with the positive self talk habits, I will be stuck in the same circle. No thank you. I have my life…I will overcome that. I figure we talk to ourselves all day anyway, might as well make sure what is going in there is getting us somewhere. One awesome trick is to imagine what you would say to your own children. “So you had great plans this week and 2 or 3 things did not go your way so you didn’t get the results you wanted? Again? What is wrong with you? Why can’t you achieve this? Why is so much easier for that kid down the street? There is just something wrong with you that you can’t get control and make this happen.” WHAT!!!!!!!?????? You would never teach a child to think that way. They’d never achieve anything. But this is how we talk to ourselves. And then we wonder what the heck is wrong. So all you have to do is tell yourself exactly what you would tell your child. They are going to do what you do no matter what you say. So if we dont say it to ourselves, they are never going to hear what we say to them anyway because it will be empty.

I saw a video tribute today of a grandmother who passed away one year ago today and as the montage went on, it was pictures of the woman as a wife, as sister, a daughter, a mother, an aunt and last as a grandmother. And I instantly thought of the absence of that kind of picture for Ellen Rose and Mom and the sensation is unspeakable. I instantly thought of that article on inspiration versus motivation and I thought of how I run and workout with such anger, or something…passion? It is almost embarrassing and I used to hide it, keep it reeled in. But not now, and I've been told that is shows, and it embarrasses me a little, but I don't care anymore. Whatever it is, I am definately inspired. I will hold my grandchildren.

Everything in life has improved since I started:
Taking responsibility for my actions.
Respecting and honoring my parents (and elders)
Arranging my life so I have time for them-always.
Apologizing when I am wrong.
Forgiving when I am wronged.
Banishing negative self-talk and dwelling on the past.
Starting each day fresh, forgiving myself and others and looking forward only.
Not letting fear hold me back, I let myself be ME, no matter what I imagine others think.

And it's really easy once I realized how hard all of it was.

The Happenin's

2007-03-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Craig's list, Ellen Rose has a new energy burning play set! It's a like a Gerbil wheel/treadmill for toddlers. She just goes and goes. She figured how to climb up the slide in minutes of it being set up. Mike had not even put the tools away yet, and she was scurrying up to the top so she could go down on her belly. And GRIN. Loves it. Absolutely loves it. Then yesterday we went to the park and there was not a soul there. We had it all to ourselves! The fourth picture down was her just standing at the top of the slide checking out the lake. Looks like she needs a nap now that I look at it. Then the last picture is her current favorite game with Lucy. She gets a stick and gives (shoves) it to Lucy who takes it and the next 15 she finds and gives her. So that is the happenin's!!

Ellen's "Aunt Becky"

2007-03-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Thanks for coming to visit us "Aunt Becky"!!! We played outside and went for walk in the wagon and in general just had a lovely afternoon of girl time.

THe best part was when Ellen would scooch as close as she could to Becky while they were sitting together on the deck. I thought Becky was going to cry!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

2007-02-13T16:22:00.000-05:00

This is the second to newest trick..."the twist". You only do it to one side. The bow is off kilter because sometimes this involves a spirited lailing of the arms over the head at the end. The newest trick is turnaround. You stand in place and look over your shoulder and start turning, next thing you know, you are turing in circles! Where do they get cute stuff like that? So cute. She is also sticking herself to the fridge like the magnets. One day she was playing with her magnets and we noticed she had turned around and was very carefully walking in reverse until she was fully in contact with the fridge for the full length of her body. She was pretending to be a magnet!!

So now we do turnarounds and magnets in the hallway. When we came home from our weekend getaway, all of us--Mike, Ceil, Sarah, me and ER, we all pretended to be magnets in the hallway. She was thrilled.

Today she wore a special present from her friend Emma Rose for Valentine's Day at school. I nded to see if I have a better picture of the shirt. It has a BIRDIE on it and says "Tweet Heart"....HOW PERFECT IS THAT!!!!!?????

I found a picture. If you click on it you can see better. What I want to know is where do I get a pair of kicking jeans like that?

First week of February, Photojournal Part 2!

2007-02-02T18:04:00.000-05:00

We are on our own this week! Mike is gone this week so it is just us four girls. Well, thanks to Nane, it was us 5 girls the first night.

What a great favor to help me out-we had such a nice time. She brought food and a video and we've made good use of them both.

We've actually been fine, but I was pretty scared. For the most part, we've done exactly what we do every week. Even with the funky weather. It's been fun, like an adventure. The only real changes are I'm sleeping on the wrong side of the bed, and eating stuff like cereal or yogurt or sandwiches for dinner. I am quite the renegade.

Here is where Ellen has been enjoying her Stranger in the woods video from Nane and her morning and nightly videos her dad made for while he is gone.

Then today she had her first Doodle Bugs ("gymnastics") class. They ran in a circle, imitated elephants, monkeys, snackes and cats, crawled through tunnels, threw and kicked balls, and did flips down a big plastic wedge. The teacher opened class by saying "this class is to wear them out!" That's money well spent right there.

January 2007 Photojournal part 1

2007-02-02T15:24:00.000-05:00

Hard to beat sleeping with your franny in the air!

New trick:
First you get turned around...

Then you put it in reverse and (this is the technical part) scooch.

Then you can commence to swinging your legs! :)

It got cold but we did not let that stop us!

Ellen's Bluetooth

2007-01-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

COURTESY OF GRAND DAD

COURTESY OF CRAYOLA

(hard to see, but her tooth was totally blue)

Christmas 2006

2007-01-08T08:22:00.000-05:00

I am now chasing a walking toddler so the time to post has been cut in half, add in teh Holidays and work and I have little time. The new year is here but it feels like it is flying. The 'thing og the week' this week is to walking down the street or around the driveway, prefereably with a playground ball or our basketball. She goes to the door and whines and tries to pry it open. And we just walk around out there, that is all she wants to do. She also has discovered her crayons. Some drawing, mostly carrying and eating them. I love this picture in this coat. This was one of her coats she got for Christmas. PRECIOUS!

Sporty spice!?

Auntie Ann getting a lesson in cell phones

Favorite cousin Sarah!

Dancing with her new Zebra

Monday December 11

2006-12-11T07:06:00.000-05:00

I won't write all my cool Christmas ideas for my family down because half the fun is the surprise and although I am nearly 100% sure it makes me a dork to have blog, I am not sure if it makes you readers one by association. So I am sure even if someone reads this they won't admit it. I am erring on the the side of caution.

Ellen Rose took her first big 5 steps last week. The shirt says it all:

holding on...

letting go...

FREE!
Christmas shopping has been non-existant so far, but alot of it is homemade so I've started that process. It is only slightly overwhelming. In a good way. Instead of going at it with a "get it done" attitude, I look at it like a kid would. If you asked a 4 year old to help you make a certain thing in the kitchen or on the computer-how FUN! And it is. I remind myself of that, and all the sudden, I am less whelmed.

Not sure what I sat down to write about. I find myself just sitting around thinking cheesy thoughts that would annoy me on bad day or a cynic on a good one. BUt it just amazes me how I have so much, more than enough. And the more I realize this, the more we seem to get. Not money, but time, fullfillment, just the things you wish you had when you do not have them.

We watched Cinderella Man this weekend and looking at how that family lived with their kids, and then walking in my kitchen where the food is overflowing out of the pantry. How can I be in a bad mood. How can I hve once OUNCE of self pity??? I think all the time how I am so blessed and I almost wonder if there is something I should be doing with all these blessings I am not doing. I find it very peaceful to always be thinking that I am living the life I am supposed to live and now I just hve to sit back and enjoy it...warts and all. It's too easy. Where is all the angst, confusion, worry I used to carry with me constantly? I am figuring it is a lot just that I am growing up. My cousin Ana once told me that your 30's were the bomb because you are getting things figured out, and have enough money and sense to enjoy it. And you don't give a rat's fanny what others think. That and I get to sleep through the night. I'll NEVER take that for granted again.

Cinderella Man also spoke to my fitness journey as well. When Braddock made his comeback as an old man, a reporter asked him what had changed, and he said “I know what I am fighting for” , there was pause and the reporter said “What are you fighting for?” and Braddock responded quite simply “Milk”. He needed the prize money because he and his family were about to starve to death. Now THAT is why one person finds their way and another one spins their wheels in frustration. For 6 years I’ve been climbing this hill. And I know I m going to get there this time because a)6 years wins me the right to say I am persistent and b) through being a newlywed, gyms closing, 15 hour work days, traveling, my Mom’s passing, a miscarriage, pregnancy, birth and newborn Motherhood all throwing me on and off track, I actually know why I m fighting now. And it is not why I thought I was fighting for years, and it’s not Ellen. I just figured it in the last 2 months and I was shocked because I thought I was self-aware. I was wrong. But now I am sure I know why and it’s been a whole new ball game.

Pictures are SLEEPY

2006-11-20T15:17:00.000-05:00

We made an appt to have Ellen's 1 yr photos made several months back, but when we finally met, we had to do it immediately if we wanted any fall color in the pictures. I was so excited b/c given the time of year and this photog's cool attitude-she suggested an old house in Dacula and wanted to do outside stuff, include the dogs and everything so I was excited to get a family portrait as well. We were all concerned about the cold and Allison even called to see if we wanted to move things up a bit so it would warm up a little. In addition, we've spent 2 days power-shopping (I HATE POWER SHOPPING) getting everyone outfitted in a time cold meds for her cold and some cough syrup, Ellen has not napped and I have a HUGE case of guilt for A) gving her meds-it bothers me and B) letting her fight her nap for a whole hour. So I am fit to be tied now that she has sleepy medicine in her AND has missed a nap. We get to the pictures, and she is all the sudden instantly sticking her tounge out. Constantly. We can grab it, and she barely acknowledges it. So all that and every picture (maybe with the exception of a few) is of us, dogs, everyone decked out and Ellen's tounge stuck out like she just burned it on a cup of hot java. So of course we are barely out of the driveway to go home and this is what I see in the backseat. She had a handful of goldfish and just could not quite get them to thier destination before she fell asleep. I was instantly alot less irritated. :)

First Merry GO Round RIDE!!!

2006-11-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

"Hey...."

"MOM! Can I go??!!"
"OK, Dad, maybe I dont WANNA get on the horse. here I'll hold you and you hold me."

She never let go of his shirt.

My Very First Homework Assignment

2006-11-15T14:07:00.000-05:00

For PMO, Ellen was given this turkey feather and we had a few weeks to decorate it so it could be added to teh turkey in her hallway at school. So of course, the morning of the due date, I finally got around to it and she was game for about 3.5 minutes then it was over. But we got it done and it was her very first homework assignment!

We finally got Ellen out to the park and went a few laps with her in her new trailer. Since she kind of flops around, I stuffed Pooh on one side and I stuffed a big blanket on the other. She fell asleep but she wole up when we stopped and I snapped this with my phone.

The punkin in the patch

2006-11-09T15:16:00.000-05:00

I did not realize these had not been downloaded yet! What a fun day! We took her to
the pumpkin patch right around Halloween and it was super cold that day but it was so beautiful and she loved it.

New stuff

2006-11-08T12:34:00.001-05:00

She is changing so fast I have stopped writing it all down in favor of just keeping up with her! She is waving bye-by and Hello and HI at everything. Her friend Emma gave her one of those little baby blanket with the stuffed animal at the top yesterday and we have not taken it out of the car, she is totally occupied with it. She holds it up with one hand and waves "Hey" at it constantly. And chews on its ears. :)Which brings me to the next milestone.

Her first word(s) is "Hey!!!" or "Hi!" She grabbed my cell and put it up to her ear and started babling away last week. Then she did it with the remote control. Imitation! How fun!! She waves and says this to everything and she tries to add Bella's name when she is waving at her. She now points at pictures and trees b/c we are always pointing at these things. And I was so excited this morning b/c she pointed at Mike in a picture and said "DADA" and I was about to call him and she pointed the bird on a bird watching book on the same shelf and said "DADA." She is also walking with assistance and just starting to decide that maybe going from one thing to the next without assistance would be fun. We do drills where we pass her back and forth at night. She thinks it is hilarious.She is also expanding her diet. Broccoli, homemade peanut butter, basmati rice, eggs, cottage cheese, baked potatoes, yogurt, and cheez-its are the current leaders. She ate half my salmon at Long Horn the other night and we gave her out leftover grouper from last night for lunch today. She mowed through it. I'm trying to get her to eat cooked apples but she wants to hold the whole raw one and gnaw on it. She also likes pears and bananas. We tried some ravioli last night but it was not a hit. In other news I am finding my feet as a trainer. It is getting easier but no less overwhelming. Keeping up with many different aspects of many different people’s lives in disjointed 10-12 hours a week is hectic. I need to establish a system so I don’t feel so all over the place. But I am trying to be patient about that. I have to just grown and learn as things come. And it’s coming.

We are all geared up thinking about the holidays around here. Ellen got an early Christmas present so we could enjoy it before it gets too cold. She seemed to think it was worth her time for sure...

And last but not least I am feeling thoughtful. I listen to his guy Ed Young on the elliptical sometimes and today in one of his talks he said we are born asking a 3 word question…3 words resonate over and over in a child’s mind. We are born asking “Do I MATTER? Do I Matter? Do I matter?” He said that the first mirrors that we look into are the mirrors of our parent’s eyes. If reflected back are words of affirmation, dignity, value…then chances are we have a healthy mental state. If reflected back is that you are too fat too skinny you can’t make it you aren’t what I wanted you to be, then chances are you believe those things and live them. It dawned on me that my responsibility to Ellen is so much bigger than keeping her clean, dry, fed and rested…although it’s kind of too easy to get caught up in that. I want to think I’d reflect affirmation dignity and value but I guess we all would. But thinking of it in those terms, she is constantly figuring out “do I matter?” I am going to spend a little time letting that knock around my noggin this afternoon.

More first birthday pictures

2006-11-01T08:10:00.000-05:00

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingReg.jsp?Uc=15xd4kzc.9icblixg&Uy=r5ivtb&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0&UV=544412325391_897255933108

Happy First Birthday Ellen Rose!

2006-10-24T12:36:00.001-05:00

We took the day and all went to the Aquarium on her first birthday and it was so special. We made a cake that night, and she hated it. Which was hilarious. It was not weird for her to be one until she went to bed. But, I can totally believe she is 1. Nope, it did not really fly by. Why does it for everyone else!!?? Imean, yes, I takes a lot of adjusting to keep up with how fast they (and your life) change, but the One Year mark really is when it all gets to be gravy. And you earn it. So, I feel alot like I just ran a big racea nd crossed the finish line, proud, tired, elated, somewhat nostalgic, blessed, relieved, older.

And there is so much going on and so much to write about and little time to write. I find I write less when I am doing other things that satisfy or give me a creative outlet. But that is no excuse!! I wish I could think of all the new things she is doing. She is officailly in the 2nd percentile for weight and height. Dr. Pugel said "Does that run in your family"? to me. ME. Um, yep!!! We aren't giants. And Mike was SO SMALL when he was little, so I think she is OK. Clearly thriving. And her new favorite food is brocolli. And with her hair, I want her to be a brocolli floret for Halloween, and just make it green, dress her in green. Voila, Ellen the floret!!

She can throw a ball at you and giggle like crazy when you catch it. She waves at everyone. She seeps all night long 95% of the time, and she is trying to get from one thing to the next without crawling.

I am (plop) sitting here listening to the sound of 2 cm square (plop, plop) pieces of carrot, chicken, potato and green bean hit the floor. Plop. She should be eating her lunch but has discovered it makes a sound (plop) when it hits the floor (plop). It is really funny. I'm trying not to laugh, so I have turned my back to her to (plop) type but I can still hear what is going on.

Ellen Rose

2006-10-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

I just had to post this....

Peaks

2006-09-27T12:49:00.000-05:00

Today is soooooooooooooooooogood. Many many reasons.

I am learning to live a lot more consciously instead of dashing around 'accomplishing' and wondering if I am really appreciating what I have. Then I realized, the secret is to STOP filling your time and start feeling it. I think this may be the real benefit of praying (beyond religion). I don’t pray. Usually. But I’ve started and since I am so unsure of my faith, its not a "dear god" its a "today I am thankful for, and Today I am worried about, today I am wonder how to handle a certain situation, etc..." I am finding that these things could easily be translated into a "could I please have an answer to my worries, and problems" but without the expectation of an answer, just the act of consistent praying makes you constantly aware of what is on your mind and what is in your life. Voila, you are conscious. And you are not zooming through your life feeling all muddled because you are touching base with what is on your mind and what is right in your life. Right now, its not about the answers, its a lot about listening to myself.

I am really changing these days, inside and out. Odd event for me-I ran 3 miles in under 30 today like it was CAKE. I kept looking down at the treadmill and thinking, who is running on this thing?! My fitness quest has changed 100%. I am done with the self sabotage, done with doing anything less for myself than I deserve. I’ve said this before and I’ve read all about self-sabotage in my fitness reading, but never for a second thinking it related to me. But it did and it does and realizing that has changed everything. It’s done. And its not about a bunch of hullabaloo, no new notebooks, extensive plans, etc. Its just keeping my head down, staying focused, humble, quiet and strong. It was all about realizing that I had to fix the internal problems to solve the fitness problem, not get fit to solve the internal problems. I have felt better the last 2 weeks than in a long time. I was not unhappy, but the grief of losing someone, then the stresses of choosing to quit a job, have a newborn and all that adjusting, it has just been hard. Good, OK, low at times, but all together hard. Then VOILA. Beautiful fall is here and I am beginning to win the battle against lifelong weight demons and to top it off, I have gotten some affirmation and validation that my inkling about being able to help women who also have struggled with their weight might be right. Held my first bootcamp class on Tuesday, got some great feedback. It's amazing that they didnt just laugh me off the field. I am FINALLY walking the walk.

In other news, my house is home, my family is close, my life is richer as I make new friends through this training adventure, my marriage is back to normal and feels better than ever, my baby is nothing but a gift. I feel lately like I won the lottery, like every morning I wake up to a brand new shiny car – every day. I had to kind of stop and recognize it b/c I was not expecting it. I made some awfully hard decisions I regretted for some months after Ellen was born. I wished I'd put her in daycare so I could get a break, I wished I 'd kept my job so I could have some control over SOMETHING, I wished I had bottle fed her so she might sleep more, or at least someone else could feed her or at least get up with her and walk her; I wished I had sleep trained her earlier, I wished I had the money I no longer was making and the title and respect and creative outlet that came with my old job. I felt had not signed up for what I had gotten, yet all the decisions were made. And the most perplexing was that the reasons I made my decisions were so calculated. I would look at my priorities and then look at how I had laid out my life. They did not match at all. Money and accumulating things were way down on the lists. Time for and with immediate and extended family and friends were way up on the list, as was time to take good care of my body, and my family's health. Also having a job I was passionate about and truly enjoyed was a priority as well. As Andy Andrews said, you have make it a no turn back situation if you are ever going to leave a comfortable situation and embark on an uncomfortable one. In other words, do like Cortez and "burn the boats." He burned the boats he came to America on and told his crew "if we're going home, we're going home on THEIR boats" and he sent them off to fight and conquer. Working 13-15 hours away from home a day did not make nearly any of my so-called priorities possible. And after the last few years of my life, I felt rather broken when things did not appear to be working out as planned. These things were not immediately visible and I felt I had just had a big old HUGE fat case of grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side- ITIS. And I felt so stupid for falling into that trap. But, now!!! I feel all put back together and better than ever. I think I am ending up with all the things I thought I might get by doing the things I did...just MUCH later than I anticipated. It is nice when the valleys of life turn into peaks.

Grand Dad's Monthly Visit

2006-09-20T07:08:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful weekend! It was great seeing Dad and Chandler as usual, but then to top it off we had a little family soiree on Saturday since my Uncle Bill was in town and it was a real treat seeing him. It was great seeing everyone really. Angie and Kevin have registered and picked out bedding for junior, and she is 6 months pregnant!!!!! Oh how I remember those days and loved them so. Now its a whole new world and I am already sad that this time in Ellen's little life will be gone before I know it. It has had its moments, but it's all worth it now. They've been talking alot about what the CIA is allowed to do and not allowed to do to detainees and what is fair, not fair, etc. Well, in these talks it has been said that sleep deprivation is a form of torture is probably not OK. As a mother of a NON-SLEEPER, I'd have to agree!!!!! Ellen Rose has slept all night long for 3 nights in a row counting last night. This is the first time she has slept all night long twice in a row since she was born. And now she has done it 3 TIMES!!!! I feel like a new woman. The effect just 3 nights of regular sleep has had is VAST. But I digress, it was a beautiful, fally type weekend and Ellen Rose got in some good family time. Since Dad could not make the Reunion in Calhoun this year, we bowed out as well. I don't think Grand Dad is disowning us, so that is the good news.

Yellow River Game Ranch

2006-09-18T08:36:00.000-05:00

What a an awesome was to sepnd a Friday afternoon! We had squrrels jumping up on the stroller trying to get food (well, the type A ones anyway) and we had deer walking with us as we wandered around and tons of birds, peacocks, and geese wondering around too. We fed a donkey, ponies, goats, and saw the bears, and other caged animals. Not my favorite part, but feeding the loose ones was a treat for both of us. We'll be going back there soon. Our camera is acting up, thanks to Lauren for sending this to us.

Turning 11 months old on Saturday!!!

2006-09-14T18:06:00.000-05:00

This is a big week! She turns 11 months on Saturday.

She discoverd how to open a game box on Tuesday.

Visited with Nane and Paw and

Discovered how soap suds work on Wednesday...

Melted my heart on Wednesday night (what is new)...

Thursday we ran to 'camp' so she was bundled up- that is the pen she holds on to when she rides in the stroller. She holds both her hands up like she is being robbed when we are running. The wind or something makes her do it. I'm sure to passers by on the road she looks like a bank teller in a stick up! Some people have running shoes, running shirts...Ellen has a running pen.

Then I snapped this just after I waved "see you later" - she gets busy right when we get there-lots of toys to play with!!!

And here she is in what they call the "bye bye buggy"...She seems to LOVE it!!

Tomorrow we go to Yellow River Game Ranch with Lauren and Davis.
I am sure I'll be my usual papparazzi.

Milestones

2006-09-08T07:10:00.001-05:00

The front door is open and so is the back. That just feels GOOD when you can do that in Georgia. It's not 400% humidity and the temperature is reasonable. And (gasp) there is a breeze this morning. I *LOVE* fall and it's a'comin'. And not just fall, but FOOTBALL is here too. Somehow I got all into it last year after umpteen years of just really liking the tailgating and Jim Beam and artichoke dip, I'm now all about the GAME and the behind the scenes soap operas too. Even the NFL-I'm ALL about it. We've watched pre-season NFL and as much college ball as Ellen will allow. She slept straight through the Ga game last weekend, bless her heart. So in addition to recovering from sleepless nights and the adjustment to sahmom-dom, fall is coming, football has started, Ellen is growing and things are really coming together. I just feel good right now all the sudden. It’s either another freaking mood swing or I am finally getting back to my old self. I’ve thought I was getting back to it before but I think I have figured out, there is no “back”—everything is different now. So I think I am getting back to my new self. At any rate...its safe to say I've got Fall Fever big time this year.

Cousin Angie came to visit this week - she is looking beautiful with her little 5 and half month pregnant belly. It's so exciting when I think Ellen is going to have a little cousin around her age to play with. Ellen is waving hello and/or good bye (or as her Dad said, it's "See you later", never good bye). She is also walking with us and balancing while she is standing for long pauses and likes to use her hands to play when she pulls up so she is perfecting her 'lean' while playing.

She is all the sudden (FINALLY) eating crackers and gold fish and sleeping like a champ. Eating and sleeping was touch and go after her virus, so I am ultra relieved that she seems to be back to normal. I wasn't sure I could take a regression in the eating sleeping arena. And the funniest thing is her hair. It's HUGE!!! When she wakes up, its all whicha way, commonly in the Grandpa Munster style where the sides are coming sraight forward and everything else is going straight up. She is a little baby with big hair. Hilarious. She is

recognizing Lucy when I ask her where Lucy is. Mom and Dad are chopped liver, so is Bella...but Lucy continues to be her favorite family member. Here she is in a common daily situation...talking to Bella at the back door. Bella usually doesn't let her get this close, so Ellen is overjoyed. And last but not least...she started her first day of "camp" yesterday. She did very well, no crying and had a great time they said. I, on the other hand, was a perfect mess. Mike was there and he helped remind me that this is FUN for her. And it was. Her favorite part was the finger painting!!! I was astonished they had them finger painting. This was waiting on me when I arrived to pick her up. I dont think I've ever been so proud of anything in my life.

Mike wants to frame it.

If I can muster the courage, we might have to get some finger paints this afternoon and give taht a whirl. The video camera arrived yesterday so I am thinking we may have to catch that fiasco on tape.

4 MORE

2006-09-02T10:08:00.000-05:00

It is most definately time for a video camera!!

Ellen Rose 10 months

2006-08-23T08:34:00.000-05:00

The maters are finally coming in. Ellen and I have taken to driving the pink car out to the garden and loading her 'trunk' up since we are getting more than a handful lately. She insists on carrying at least one back in the house.

We also tried a popsicle (GrandDad's suggestion a while ago) and she was less impressed with eating than she was 'sharing it', and I was not prepared for the ATTACK OF THE POPSICLE MONSTER...

This is huge news around here-HOLD and DRINK from a sippy cup. YEHAW for self-feeding.

And we've been trying and trying to get a picture of her sleeping, it's scary to do b/c the risk of waking her is high but oh so worth it. Mike got this one-he is the brave one. I know I'll never stop wanting to watch her sleep. I love how her hair grows forward and is always pointed at her face and there are little tufts of curls int h back--she is very 70's that way. Like her name should be Ralph or Larry and she needs some big smoky glasses and some polyester pants.

to be continued...

Squirrel Weekend

2006-08-15T08:59:00.000-05:00

I am totally uninspired and not as thoughtful today but it's not a reflection of things being uninteresting, that is for sure. Not only was this weekend the annual SQUIRREL WEEKEND, it was just fabulous I thought. Those girls have turned out to be a group of women that no matter what are kind, fair and supportive to me. I cannot say that for all the people I have loved in my life (family and friends alike). Not one of them has ever intentionally hurt me for selfish reasons or ever will. That is a REAL FRIEND. I think they are Mom's way of looking out for me sometimes. I hope I have been the same to them.

Dinner on Friday was so wonderful for me. I drove the whole 13 minutes with all the windows down, the music up and decidedly over the speed limit. Then I happily had 1 margarita and found I am a lightweight and stopped there so I sobered up through dinner with the girls. Then I got home just in time for Birdie's 12 pm feeding and went to bed. I was dragging Sat am so Mike took the girls for a run. He showed back up with a special suprise. As he was passing the thrift store, this was out in front...now the little car she was in that he had to hold her in the reverse choke hold is a thing of the past....

So despite the fact that it was $3 whopping dollars, I think he would have paid $300.00 given this expression.

Have I mentioned that love is a baby????

Saturday was equally as fabulous-an afternoon at the spa, and then dinner downtown Athens, we were there for 3 or 4 hours and the topics of convo were great I thought. I again arrived home in time for Birdie's midnight feeding and went to bed. If it had not been for the newborn and 6 month old, we'd have been out of town again and I WOULD HAVE LOVED THAT. But this was a good starter break for all parties, and Ellen didn't suffer too much, she missed one feeding and even tho she ate like she was starving Sunday morning, she slept fine, so she didnt pay a big price for Mama's fun. And SuperDad allowed me 2 (!!!) naps on Sunday after being the caretaker all weekend and managed to do as much if not more parenting than I did yesterday. Feeling like one one lucky squirrel mama.

On the fitness front I am still working out. And recording what I eat. And still opposed to goals. They seem to be the hallmark of those who dont reach them to me lately. Big elaborate plans that turn out to be pipe dreams. Not that I haven't come along way, I have. But I am ready to just appreciate where I am instead of feel like a failure for not having reached my 'goals' for a while. It's nice.

Just got off the phone and Ellen Rose will be starting Parents Morning Out in September. There is an orientation and everything! I am so stoked I can hardly see straight. It is at the church that is spitting distance from here and it comes highly recommended, so am not having one ounce of reservation.

p.s. Birdie turns 10 months tomorrow. WOW.

OK, so I did have alot to say. Shocker.

LOVE is a BABY

2006-08-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

Every day with this baby is just more precious than the last. I feel like I am finally seeing the beauty in 'staying at home.' Each day the question of whether I should go back to full time work just gets further and further from my brain. Our days start between 6 and 7...she and her Dad handle the morning diaper change and meet me at the couch for the first feeding then she goes back to her Dad if he has any time before he has to get ready for work. We spend the next hour to hour and a half playing in the floor - some days she plays by herself and I try to make beds, brush my teeth, change, etc... or on days like today, I sit and we explore everything together. Lately I have been lettting her play with a cocktail shaker (of all things!) but its shiny and has ridges and makes neat noises with her other toys. And she LOVES little rubber balls like golf balls. I keep thinking each morning she will get tired of these things but nope, before I know it, she has one in each hand and banging them together and grinning like a cheshire cat the whole time. Then we go do naptime routine and I use her naptime for breakfast, a little email time or little chores like the garden, etc. Call Dad, Call Mike, sweep, finish getting myself ready for the gym and like a clock she is up 1 hour after she goes down. Then she has her morning snack - usually cereal with bananas. We just found out she is a little anemic so we will be adding her iron drops to her cereal...I tasted them yesterday. They taste like car exhaust smells. SO after she eats, we head to the gym where she is the local mascot and is so loved. As we approach the door to Candace's room, she gets her big "peek-a-boo" grin becauses she knows when we round the corner Candance is going to jump up and smile and laugh at her, and she laughs and reaches for her the minute she sees her. I thank the good Lord for that every night. Then we head home and she has nother feeding, and a little play but usually she is whipped so we head straight for nap. I shower and eat lunch and she us up and we have the whole afternoon to kill. It's so hot, we have been just hanging inside. He she is yesterday during the afternoon. The piano continues to be a favorite.

And so does the camera...

Once Mike gets home, we have an hour or two to just lay in the floor and play (WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE SHE CAME ALONG!!???) and then it's bedtime... Then we start dinner, eat, veg for a minute and head back to bed, checking on her each night before we turn into our bedroom and shut everything down for the night. Last night she was flat on her back like a big starfish with her arms straight up over her head, just a' sawing toothpicks. She was OUT. She woke at 10, so I fed her and she slept thorugh until 6:45 this morning. Bless her for that. I'm ready to drop the 12 feeding, so I'll happily exchange it for a 10 so I can do it before I go to sleep for the night.

So, as we are prone to say around here alot...LOVE is a BABY.

Visitors

2006-08-10T07:46:00.000-05:00

No shortage of wonderful family who just love to play with Ellen. Just before the reunion, her Uncle Chandler was here and I really don't know who was having more fun. I can't believe how at ease he is around babies! He is so sweet to her, it just melts my heart. Here they are working on their first concerto.
then Nane, Michele, Sarah, Ethan and Luke came by after they finsihed shopping for school clothes and brought Ellen Rose a first day of school shirt just like Sarah's. Priceless. We also got a shot of what looks like pure joy. I can't beleive this isn't blurry...they were FLYING. I was trying to decide whether to take the picture or rush over to intervene. Mike is holding her in a reverse choke hold to keep her from flying off the darn thing. Oy vey.

The Lake Reunion

2006-08-07T07:02:00.000-05:00

The Rickett Reunion does it again. All weekend I had this running thought process of how amazing it is to me that we do this year after year. All the schedules that have to get (re) arranged, all the planning and preparing Aunt Ann does, all the traveling that has to occur, and for all the married-ins, all they go through to come to the weekend and add as much as they do. Although it is really a Rickett Reunion, it's all the "non-Ricketts" that caught my attention this weekend. Every single one of them is a special addition to our group (even the ones who've been divorced out-as is evidenced through the kids they've raised or are raising, whether we like to admit it or not). We've managed to attract the cream of the crop and marry them, making our family that much more special. And they are loved as if they were raised right up along with the rest of us. And they love us all back, too.

The other conversation I had with myself was about the four siblings. How different and how similar they all are (as much as they like to think they aren't a bit like each other at times). They are all strong willed, teachers, talkers, observers and challengers. They are all sweet, stubborn, intense and patient in their own ways. But the thing that occurred to me this weekend was regarding my Uncle Bill, the oldest brother. In a way, he has raised us all. He has at one time or another counseled each of us with patience and love on everything from a silly spat we were having with our parent (usually in front of everyone), and I speak from experience to very very serious matters. I speak from experience there too. Despite the very small volume of conversations he and I have had, it's always full of wisdom, advice or support. He also appears to do all things with good humor and a good heart, too. He goes the extra mile and I've never heard him complain. I don't know if he has always been this way, or if he has grown into this person through the years, but he sets an example that I want to follow. I am a speak before I think type of person, riding my emotions and acting on them in the moment, selfish, and lot more volatile than I'd like to be. These characteristics don't apply to him at all. So, although I know he is human, he just didn't seem that way to me this weekend.

I also looked around at all us cousins and thought about how much we've grown and changed through the years. As a little-er cousin, I was less close to my cousin Rhonda and more close to the cousins my own age...now I talk to Rhonda as if I see her every weekend and our age difference seems to have melted right away. And how incredible it is for me to be forming bonds with her children. All in a maximum of twice-a-year visits. And the cousins I live right next to I am finding an integral part of my life more and more as the months pass. The sisters and brothers I never had. I never would have imagined this growing up. I wonder if all the kids (Savannah, Chelsea, Chandler, Bradlee) know what is in store for them.

So I guess it left me extra thoughtful this morning, extra thankful I have a family I can feel this way about...and extra sad I did not take my camera.

Nane and Paw

2006-07-31T07:45:00.000-05:00

came to visit. Mike's parent's came down and took us to dinner for his birthday last week. I think it's safe to say Ellen's Grandmother ("Nane") is not yout typical Grandmother!!! Well, except for that she loves her Grandbaby to pieces.

Next week, she'll get her own bike and do-rag, but for now she is sharing with Nane and Paw.

DORI 2006 Update

2006-07-28T07:15:00.000-05:00

So as promised (I sometimes hate my own self promises) an update on how I feel about my progress...

Well, I am not ripped and August is days away so time to rethrink the next goal. I am however much more fit that I was and a smidge smaller in the weight/size department. I think with a bit more dedication I could be closer this this goal, but I also think I've made very good progress towards it and the last month has not been wasted at all. An interesting discovery - I keep a spreadsheet where I log my weight, my mood and my body image (assigning a number rating to the latter 2). I guess the researcher in me wants to see if my mood is dictated by my weight or if my body image is or vice versa. So far, no correlation. My mood has been up, my body image neutral to negative with a couple of peaks I guess, and my weight shows a steady downward trend. HOw's that for some fitnomics. Hey..."fitnomics"..do I have an idea for future clients? I digress.

The big strides over the last 2 months have abeen a significant increase in cardio fitness, a loss of maybe 4 pounds and some strength gains (curling 15-20 lbs, walking lunges with 17.5's, 15 full suspended body weight dips). In the kitchen, I've decided the key for me is control my blood sugar, thereby controlling my hunger, and enabling me to make better food choices. I've discovered my penchant for sugar is a bit of a road blcok and to regulate this will take me to the next level, if not the ultimate level. I don't like to eliminate food groups as a rule, but refined sugar doesn't really add anything to the diet, and it really affects my blood sugar. The big change I've made is not eating fruit by itself in the afternoon...what felt like reaching for a healthy snack was really setting me up to be reavenous waaay before dinner. That change alone has helped. So for the next few days until August, I'll stick with the DORI 2006 plan (gotta see those self promises through yada, yada, yada) and see where that gets me. Next Tuesday Iwill report the results and a new set of time-contrained goals.

Breathe

2006-07-27T12:33:00.000-05:00

Cuz you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable, and
Life's like an hourglass
glued to the table"

~Anna Nalick "Breathe (2am)"

You gotta love that. I am sitting here listening to what I lovingly call "L&D1"...the mix I made for ERS's delivery. I haven't played it in a while but I love it as much as ever. Perfect background for this day, and this entry. There is no turning back, you get to live this life once, it is always moving in forward (fast forward it seems) and I am acutely aware of that every day, particularly this one where I feel like I've put my "first things first" and am reaping the rewards.

First things first, in the fitness arena, I had a new personal best this morning. Today I ran an 8:59 minute mile. I can hardly believe I just typed that!! I was listening to "I can only imagine" which I downloaded from itunes after watching this video one morning and deciding it was now the perfect running song, because after seeing this, it's impossible to wimp out no matter what:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjPrL3n63yg

I had just upped my speed to 7.1 and I thought "Uh-oh no stopping now" and I ran with a beautiful lump in my throat remembering that video and never dropped the speed and voila, I ran an all time personal best...even when I ran a 10K and was trying to really be a runner, that never happened. That is why I love working out...deep down it is always about so much more than burning calories and looking good.

Then as I stood there slicing my first tomato from my garden (even better I was slicing it for my 7 egg white omelet with spinach and onions. You can't BEAT that for your body) I thought "some days you just can't beat being a sahm". At work, I ate great 90% of the time but its hard to whip up an egg white omelet in that environment. And its hard to beat one cooked with a tomato from a garden you would never have had time to have in the past, but always wanted. I have wrestled with my decision to stay home from day 1 and have had a hard time giving up my routine, independent time, career and extra money. It's all 10 times harder than I expected, and that is TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH to admit. But this is just not one of those days. I feel like we are all getting what we need. Thank God for the gym day care, Ellen spends an hour a day with other kids age ranging from hers to mostly 2-3 year olds so it is wonderful for her. And lots of time with her Dad, who spends every minute he is not away from home basically up her fanny. Sometimes I get to feeling lonely for her after he comes home! Again, hard to beat.

That is not to say I haven't kept the goal of getting on as a trainer in a gym very firm in my mind this week as I try to achieve my fitness goals, and also toyed with whether they need a gym on Highway 20 close to a friend of mine's house, even did some quick numbers for it, and thought very seriously just yesterday about checking to see if they need teachers at the college down the road. So many things I want to try. My mind is constantly wondering what the next step will be, but always aware that it's hard to beat what I have here.

Back to the tomatoes...only 3 red ones in a million green ones, 1/2 of which had blossom rot. SO I researched it, cured it and found my squash and zukes overcome with powdery mildew when we got back from Tybee. It's so embarrassing. Hazel and Janetta (my 2 very retired and white haired neighbors ) have already offered me baskets full of their plants' produce. Do I need to wear a white wig out there to water the darns thing or what!?

Last but not least, Ellen is back to her normal self after back to back trips out of town. The Texas-Tybee combo was a doozie for the baby. One was a plane trip to a different time zone. I see now why alot of parents are wary of this. Sleep schedules go out the WINDOW. It was fine, but she lost some sleep, which makes it harder for her to get good sleep which further deprives her and well, its a vicious cycle. And for a Mom who was getting up a minimum of 3 times a night until she was 6 or 7 months old, this is serious business. I protect her sleep schedule like a Mama Croc protects her nest, so it was good for me to have to learn how to be flexible and learn it wasn't all going back to sleepless nights (a.k.a. hell) in a hand basket. Barely got her back in business and napping and sleeping well at night and we went to Tybee...5 hours by car. Car seats are not that fun I dont care who you are! So, bless her heart...but she has been a good baby, a sport about it and she is back to normal now. Moms have to learn, too.

She got her walker from Grand Dad...suffice it to say she loves it! She LOVES it.

In about 5 minutes time she had motored over and was staring down Columbian Francois. He's one of the pigs Dad has given us, but he is a smidge darker than the one we have, hence "Columbian" Francois. You could tell she’d never noticed him before. So we moved the dog bowls so she could get in closer and turned out they were the same height and she had to check him out…

Can you see the pictures now!!?

2006-07-26T14:05:00.000-05:00

So, the whole point of sharing this darn thing is to share pictures of Ellen...then I got lots of replies that folks could not see the darn things!! So I spent my afternoon trying to rectify (that word totally kills me incidintally) the situation. Somebody puh-leeze comment and give me your status. I can always see them on my computer, even when others have problems...so help a sister out!

Tybee Island Beach Trip

2006-07-26T07:19:00.000-05:00

Everything is just so much more fun when you are a baby! I think in this picture she is thinking "Mom! I LOVE it when you take my picture!" This is her new shirt that Aunt Holli and Uncle Greg gave her from their recent trip to the Big Apple for their 10th anniversary.

This is Ellen and her bestest estest friend Lily Clare (also sporting the very stylish New York shirt). L.C. may very well be the most agreeable 2 year old in the whole wide world, she was nothing but loving and sweet to Ellen Rose...and everyone else for that matter. She won my heart all over again this weekend!

Here she is on the beach...she was fairly non-plussed actually. She ate some sand and dug in it a while then I think she'd been there done that and was ready for what was next.

Here we are on the balcony... we were quite impressed with the view.

Ellen Rose Smith

2006-07-18T06:31:00.000-05:00

My new favorite picture

The Texas Review

2006-07-16T07:46:00.000-05:00

Now that I am on a better roll here, I should recap our trip to Texas to see Grand Dad. Getting there was a breeze, everybody (but me) was totally at ease with the whole thing...this was taken around 6:30 a.m.-UG.

The whole trip was just so special. At the top of my head are the preperations Grand Dad made for us. Good ole golf-and-wine loving nearly-retired beach-bumming Grand Dad had gone out and bought diapers, wipes, special bibs and burp cloths, a pack n play and a high chair for his first Grand Baby's visit. All without any suggestion from me. How special and incredible is that? What a guy. Ellen loved her high chair...

It is possible she was less wild about the plums we were trying.

And the real highlight was that at my request he arranged to go see our family a few hours away and instead of just dropping by and having a visit, they put on a big shin dig where every relative within an hour plus came to see us...just for me and the little one!! It was just too special. There were homemade and garden grown dishes and folks piled around the table eating and having a grand old time. I'll never forget it. Nobody does that better than our family.

We also took Ellen to the pool for the first time...here are a few shots of her with the BEST UNCLE I could have ever asked for! Chandler was so much help, and just in general tons of fun to be around. Ellen loved him...

Victory and Dog

2006-07-16T07:36:00.000-05:00

What a great Saturday night!! It started with a long process of "Where do you want to eat", "I don’t care, where do you want to go?". Rinse. Repeat. Our fabulous babysitter came at 6:30 and we headed out and had a nice long dinner at the local Italian place. The topic of conversation was what were your favorite times in life so far. In other words, when were you the happiest? For me, it was when I was 17...it was just a good year, when I met my husband and so many things seemed to come together as we fell in love and got married, and then when I was pregnant. But then, right now is a close runner up. Right now, we are finding our groove as parents, but getting back to "us" and really starting to have fun with this chapter of our lives. His included a stint when he was young; he enjoyed being a child/preteen about a million times more than I did.

Then after we paid the sitter and piled into bed, we ended up with me trying to learn how to make that weird muffled guitar sound boys/guys (OK, men) make that girls can never make. He is always trying to get me to make sounds (one of his favorite pastimes) and I DO NOT, as a rule, “make sounds." But I was dying to know. I was in tears as he (very seriously) is telling me to clench my teeth, but relax my jaw, and say "victory" then "dog." The V and D are the sound you are looking for but he was just trying to get me to get a feel for them trough clenched teeth before I graduated to the next level. Then you speed it up and add a "ch, che-che ch" in there and you top it off with a head bang and air guitar. I got close but not all the way. So glad I married someone who is so much less serious than I am.

Gardening

2006-07-14T08:51:00.001-05:00

We've been growing kids and vegetables around here... this is a before picture from a month ago. She is in between a zuke and squash plant.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BETWEEN THE SAME TWO PLANTS.

p.s. Guess who is pulling up!!?

Cat's got my tongue

2006-07-14T08:15:00.000-05:00

Silence is a virtue but I've never been this virtuous. I think I got a touch of stage fright. I was writing pages and pages and getting hand cramps and when I decided to just type out my journal all the sudden, I had nothing to say. I have always done a great job at most things until the pressure is on and then my confidence deflates. I really have a prblem with stage fright in life. I am as prepared as I can be, and then I balk when it's time to really take a crucial first step in something. That's cool as crap that it translated over to something as insignificant as starting a blog. I am fascinated how we are all so consistent when we pay attention to ourselves.

I've been hanging tough in my fitness quest. Been at a plateau (not really, since its totally self induced) for about 1.5 months. But I tend to view the glass half full in that respect. When you make positive changes that result in fat loss, its just as hard to maintain those behaviors and not gain the weight back as it is to add in new positive behaviors to keep that fat loss moving forward. Maintaining weight loss is progress, since backsliding would be soooo easy. I have to not only maintain these new (and therefore slightly uncomfortable habits, I have to ADD even more uncomfortable and new habits to them to move my fat loss forward. So I have not reached a plateau, I am just practicing repetition of my new habits until I get to the point where they are "old" and then its time to add more "new."

Had a great time in Texas visiting Dad, although he looks haggard. Eyes are bleary, his weight is up (despite daily weight workouts), and his mind and emotions are dull and lackluster. I wish he would just find it in his heart to retire and move this way...funny how that seems so obvious to me and not so obvious to him. I want him to know his first Grand baby and since he is the only Grandparent she has on my side, I am a little obsessed with that fact. Losing Mom afforded me some perspective and clarity I did not have before and really health and family are ALL that is important, and the rest is just stuff and fluff. So stressing over the stuff of life is normal, but ultimately a waste of time. And I want him close so Ellen can know him and grow up secure in her family roots. Here she is on her way to Grand Dad's...he calls her "smiley" since this is the expression she wears constantly...

Being "that girl' this weekend

2006-06-23T08:35:00.000-05:00

It's time to develop some new habits if I am really serious about this goal. In addition to reaching for personal bests at workouts, I need to STOP celebrating the weekend with 'reward' food. This is nothing more than a habit I have programmed myself to do and its going to have to be DE programmed!!

So I visualized what it would be like to live in the body I always dreamed of and I want to try being that person this weekend. So I have to ask myself, what would "that person" do? What do *I* need to do in order to wake up Monday morning and be light on my feet?

Read affirmations and goals 4 times a day, at least once out loud
Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables often to stave off hunger
carry 2 apples, and an emergency bar at all times
still drink a gallon of water each day
Enjoy the company and the atmosphere instead of the bread at the Friday night dinner out.
avoid overeating at all costs...stuffing myself to discomfort is unhealthy and not a habit of the person I want to be!!!
Strive for personal bests i workouts rather than settling for a good long walk with the fam as MY 'workout.'
Consider this my signature...
Anna

A promise is a promise

2006-06-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

So as part of the DORI2006, I promised to journal about my body one time a week. I almost conveniently forgot to do this. Let's see, I feel like I no longer look fat, and I feel that I appear to be in at least average shape, and I feel proud of my runs and of the compliments I got from the big guy at the gym. But I thnk I am ralizing I am still a stocky little pudgy not-there-yet girl. It's good for ME, but not not where I want to ultimately BE. I feel that I am in better shape than my body looks like it is in. I feel thick and pudgy and feel like this is where I always lay off, b/c I am in good shape and again, its a good weight/size for me compared to where I was/have been. But I still have that 20 lbs to lose. Not feeling great, not feeling terrible. Right now, I am feeling like I'd like to bust this plateau and not look back. This is a low weight for me, so I have to really do some critical changing to go from stout and pudgy but in shape to sleek, lean and in no way chubby at all. ON the elliptical yesterday I was thining about this lady in her 50;s that comes in and does the elliptical daily. She has pretty great legs and she is slim and in shape, but she still looks 50. I started thinking about how she looks slimmer than I do and I am 31 and if I dont quit screwing around I am going to miss an opporunity to have a great body and live life with superior health and kickin physique b/c at some point your body kind of betrays the hard work you put into it. I'm 31, I could feasibly spend the next 10 years (at least) in a better body than most of the teeny boppers I see. But not if I dont quit screwing around. So I am at that point where its easy to feel good and stop, but I get so disappointed when I see my stocky self in the mirror, so I gotta keep on keepin on....

Thursday June 15

2006-06-15T09:55:00.000-05:00

Another day another workout. Today's HIIT was less than exciting. Yesterday's was EXCITING-I felt like I was running ABOVE the treadmill. Level 6 was 5.0. level 7 was 5.5, level 8 was 6.0, level 9 was a whopping 7.2 and level 10 was an8.1!n That is one arse kicking cardio session. Today I was feeling kind of dizzy, was going to do some steady state but Ellen missed her nap, and was due to eat so I decided to do some steady state and in order to get a little more bang for my buck sinc ei really needed to cut it short add in 3 intervals. Could not replicate yesterday's intervals without hyper-dang-ventilating. But I did it. 3 times. Have no idea how I did it 5 times yesterday.

Forget the discouragement about the weight. I feel tight and firm and light on my feet. The new promises and the new affirmations and the VERY short term goals are doing the trick.

In talks with another gym franchise. He asked me what my plans were in an email and writing my response was clarifying for me. But...

Will I regret adding more to this life or will it be just the ticket for me? I don't know. Most people spend all their time 'wishing' they 'had time' could 'slow down' and they don't do the things in their power to control that and make those things a reality. So here I am with nothing on my plate than Ellen and wiling away afternoons, and I like it and am so thankful for it and find myself realizing I am living that dream I had sitting in my office downtown. Then I go and start conversations with franchises and people and I am wondering, should I just let it go before I get right back in the same boat or is it meaningful that I keep returning. Is it just the human nature of wanting more more more?

DORI2006

2006-06-14T13:47:00.000-05:00

"Dead or Ripped In 2006"

this is my pet name for my current program... BFL foods, 6 days of excercise and within my WW points 6 days a week. The daily affirmations are proving to be critical in what has so far been an early success.

AFFIRMATIONS:

I will be dead or ripped by August ’06.

Everyday I am stronger and leaner and more commited to my goal.

I will greet temptation and easily choose to honor my commitment.

Food is the fuel I use to build my body.

Food is not the answer to boredom or stress.

I am a person of ACTION

I have a decided heart.

I have a strong body.

EVERYTHING I DO AND DON”T DO MATTERS and I choose to make good decisions.

Nothing will keep me from my goal.

You train like a champion

2006-06-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

"You train like a champion. That is how you get it done"..that is what the HUGE black trainer guy said to me today while I was catching my breath. Could he know how much that means to me? His physique is INCREDIBLE, and here he is saying that to old slightly overweight mother of 1. Wow.

Staying the course with the nutrition although being hungry is making me want to binge. I've decided a shower and a bar and a coffee will be my binge. Then I need to prioritize my activities so that when Ellen wakes up nothing is competing with her for her time.

Is being compelled to write about yourself narcissistic?

2006-06-09T07:56:00.000-05:00

I am sure it is.

And therapeutic. And risky. It is the internet after all. But I love the ability to type rather than write long hand. And let me tell you how much I LOVE the title of this thing. After my Mom died two, no THREE? years ago, I started journaling every morning over coffee when I got to work. When I filled a complete notebook...it seemed to represent my life in a Nutshell, so I entertained myself by flipping it over and writing "the Nutshell" on the front seeing as how it was a tool for sanity during my grief and anger and how in one little notebook you could open it up and read all about my life in a nutshell. I found it so clever I named the second notebook I filled "The Nutshell 2". So I find writing very theraputic and when it's all said and done it is kind of an armor against what is bothering you, a "shell" of sorts. All bloggers use these things to get things off their chest - that protects your sanity, no doubt.

And as in all past journals, I always use them as "to-do' lists as well.

So my FITNESS...always at the top of my mind. Today is an hour of slow steady state cardio and eating only BFL authorized foods until Saturday night. I have 20 pounds to lose and BY GOD I am going to do it. Big huge Nigerian trainer walked up to me as I was hunched over huffing and puffing after my circuit and bumped fists with me two days ago and said (although we've never spoken) "you are putting forth a big effort, I see you working hard...you are all heart" I just said "thanks" between huge breaths but it has stuck with me. Felt SO GOOD for someone to notice. Especially since I put my ipod on and just GO at the gym. Can't let the gym scene deter you so I focus on my workout to the exclusion of everything else, including the fact that I am *sure* my arse is giggling during those walking lunges and my shirt has come up during crunches to show a not so flat tummy, etc. Food is my problem. If I get it under control, I will have th body I have always DESERVED. I have committed to only BFL foods, NO milk, no artificial sweeteners (breastfeeding) and daily workouts through this Saturday. Then I reassess, and make another VERY SHORT TERM goal. This is my new trick. Making them so short keeps me involved and there is no losing sight and getting bored. Last one was a week long and I started faltering and had milk in my coffee and a sugarfree choc ice cream pop after 3 days. So I am DETERMINED to achieve this goal and I am tightening up until it happens. It teaches you how much you actually veer from what you promised yourself. Just go two days totally on program, and you'll find it is harder than you thought.

Better get going. Need to figure out if I can pump during this nap, get people food ready for when she wakes up hungry (trying to get her weaned off me and get her to take a bottle or cup or ANYTHING so I can leave her for more than 3 hours) and get myself ready for the gym and pick up the house. Oooo, and there was a hunger pain-need to eat as well.

EXHALE. My first post. Wasn't so bad....