Peaks

Today is soooooooooooooooooogood. Many many reasons.

I am learning to live a lot more consciously instead of dashing around 'accomplishing' and wondering if I am really appreciating what I have. Then I realized, the secret is to STOP filling your time and start feeling it. I think this may be the real benefit of praying (beyond religion). I don’t pray. Usually. But I’ve started and since I am so unsure of my faith, its not a "dear god" its a "today I am thankful for, and Today I am worried about, today I am wonder how to handle a certain situation, etc..." I am finding that these things could easily be translated into a "could I please have an answer to my worries, and problems" but without the expectation of an answer, just the act of consistent praying makes you constantly aware of what is on your mind and what is in your life. Voila, you are conscious. And you are not zooming through your life feeling all muddled because you are touching base with what is on your mind and what is right in your life. Right now, its not about the answers, its a lot about listening to myself.

I am really changing these days, inside and out. Odd event for me-I ran 3 miles in under 30 today like it was CAKE. I kept looking down at the treadmill and thinking, who is running on this thing?! My fitness quest has changed 100%. I am done with the self sabotage, done with doing anything less for myself than I deserve. I’ve said this before and I’ve read all about self-sabotage in my fitness reading, but never for a second thinking it related to me. But it did and it does and realizing that has changed everything. It’s done. And its not about a bunch of hullabaloo, no new notebooks, extensive plans, etc. Its just keeping my head down, staying focused, humble, quiet and strong. It was all about realizing that I had to fix the internal problems to solve the fitness problem, not get fit to solve the internal problems. I have felt better the last 2 weeks than in a long time. I was not unhappy, but the grief of losing someone, then the stresses of choosing to quit a job, have a newborn and all that adjusting, it has just been hard. Good, OK, low at times, but all together hard. Then VOILA. Beautiful fall is here and I am beginning to win the battle against lifelong weight demons and to top it off, I have gotten some affirmation and validation that my inkling about being able to help women who also have struggled with their weight might be right. Held my first bootcamp class on Tuesday, got some great feedback. It's amazing that they didnt just laugh me off the field. I am FINALLY walking the walk.

In other news, my house is home, my family is close, my life is richer as I make new friends through this training adventure, my marriage is back to normal and feels better than ever, my baby is nothing but a gift. I feel lately like I won the lottery, like every morning I wake up to a brand new shiny car – every day. I had to kind of stop and recognize it b/c I was not expecting it. I made some awfully hard decisions I regretted for some months after Ellen was born. I wished I'd put her in daycare so I could get a break, I wished I 'd kept my job so I could have some control over SOMETHING, I wished I had bottle fed her so she might sleep more, or at least someone else could feed her or at least get up with her and walk her; I wished I had sleep trained her earlier, I wished I had the money I no longer was making and the title and respect and creative outlet that came with my old job. I felt had not signed up for what I had gotten, yet all the decisions were made. And the most perplexing was that the reasons I made my decisions were so calculated. I would look at my priorities and then look at how I had laid out my life. They did not match at all. Money and accumulating things were way down on the lists. Time for and with immediate and extended family and friends were way up on the list, as was time to take good care of my body, and my family's health. Also having a job I was passionate about and truly enjoyed was a priority as well. As Andy Andrews said, you have make it a no turn back situation if you are ever going to leave a comfortable situation and embark on an uncomfortable one. In other words, do like Cortez and "burn the boats." He burned the boats he came to America on and told his crew "if we're going home, we're going home on THEIR boats" and he sent them off to fight and conquer. Working 13-15 hours away from home a day did not make nearly any of my so-called priorities possible. And after the last few years of my life, I felt rather broken when things did not appear to be working out as planned. These things were not immediately visible and I felt I had just had a big old HUGE fat case of grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side- ITIS. And I felt so stupid for falling into that trap. But, now!!! I feel all put back together and better than ever. I think I am ending up with all the things I thought I might get by doing the things I did...just MUCH later than I anticipated. It is nice when the valleys of life turn into peaks.